I am proud to announce that yesterday, I completed the top goal I set out to accomplish. Now, I might have accomplished it to a slighter lower degree then I had hoped, but finished nonetheless. I was proud. oh. that goal?
Live through the day. It's today's goal too. Just take it one second at a time, don't think too hard and focus on what I need to do to finish strong. Which is my advice. It's not a sin to have a bad day. sometimes these things happen and we can't help it. Anger isn't a problem, like Jesus said. sinning in your anger, now that's another story all together. but sometimes we just. get. angry. and there's nothing wrong with that. bad days happen. A lot if you're me and slightly overdramatic. just take a breath at a time. there's nothing we can't accomplish when we put our minds to it. honestly.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Broken silence
Silence is all I know. IT defines me, is me. I have never known anything but; nor will I ever. I am never brave enough to admit what has been so obviously true my entire life. People know the moment they see me exactly what is wrong. But I remain unable to say.
Especially in front of Keni. It’s not like I can hide it. HE has had to adapt his entire life to be my friend. If he even is a friend. He is caring, yes, but we can never be friends again. Not like we used to be.
My family knows how difficult I find it to be. They understand. They have to. They really have no choice. I have been labeled as a ‘special needs’ girl; and that’s a title my whole family has to deal with.
No one else understands why it is so hard for me. To me, it makes perfect sense. I don’t want their sympathy. I’ve never known anything but the life I live; I don’t feel sorry for myself. And in no way do I want them to consider me anything but an equal- ever. Because I am. And no disability will change that. I promise you.
There are two defining daily events in my life. One for each half of me, the first gradually shifting into the other, creating a personality possessed by me alone. One event I will never tire of, The other is something I would love to never again experience. One is why I consider myself undeservedly blessed, the other the appropriate curse.
In the late mornings, when the breezes slow down and the sun seems to fade for a moment, I make my way to the most beacutiful place in the world. My castle, my peaceful alcove. There I can sit and let my imagination run wild, creating word pictures I use to fill in the blank spaces my heart craves. I could sit there on the tiny beach for hours, content to do nothing,
The best days, though, are when I’m not alone. Allie or Kyah will join me some days and we’ll sit and laugh until we cannot any longer. Every once in a while Mama or Keni will join me, and rarely Uncle Paul will stop by. Those are my favorite days. Uncle Paul is my best friend- the big brother I never had. He knows me better then anyone else. He listens- truly listens- to the thoughts I cannot put into words not vocalize.
Uncle Paul is a poet. The word pictures he creates for me are unlike any I could ever write for myself. No one else makes me laugh as hard. No one else has seen me cry the way he has. But truly, Uncle Paul is the one who understands my curse in a way no one else does.
Sometime between midnight and five in the morning, everything logical in me is clouded. Then is the only time my silence is broken- even if it is only internally. Mama is afraid of me then, and the kids stare. I don’t like it either, in fact I hate it worse then they do.
I dream. And it isn’t normal dreams either. Strange things happen- people talk. If that’s what talking is, I never want to know it. The horrible noise, so loud and overbearing and evil. I have tried everything to end these dreams, but nothing has worked. The only way to stop them is to not sleep; and that only works for so many days. Then the nightmares turn in to day mares.
When the dreams get too bad, I’ll think I cannot go on like this. I don’t feel human, let alone normal, the person I want to be. But then Uncle Paul will talk to me, and I’ll go cry for a while. There’s something therapeudic about crying in the sunshine. My silence will return and my world will rebalance.
If I can’t think of any reasons to smile, Uncle Paul will make me some. He’ll tell me funny stories about Grandma or Papa, or stories about himself as a kid. He was adopted from Ethiopia by Grandma and Papa seventeen years ago, when he was six. He has stories from all over the world to distract me. And now, since he’s been living with us, he can laugh about being the only African- American in the whole state of Hawaii.
I’m still afraid, though. No amount of Uncle Paul, sunshine, smiles or time will ever fix the fact that I’m weak. I can try my hardest not to be, but I am and always will be. The truth is hard. If I let it, it will preface everything I’ll ever do, I’ll ever say, and everything I’ll ever be.
The notebook I carry is proof enough. A screaming reminder that I’ll never be good enough. Allie has to come nearly everywhere with me. Maybe I should just wear a sign around my neck so no one stares when I start writing instead of speaking. So maybe they’ll treat me the way I want. A sign that could read ‘Hi. I’m Kailani Love Akana and yeah, I do realize that I’m different. I know I’m deaf.’
Okay so lemme know what you guess think. this is a prologue to a new story/book ish thing. lemme know what you think. :)
Especially in front of Keni. It’s not like I can hide it. HE has had to adapt his entire life to be my friend. If he even is a friend. He is caring, yes, but we can never be friends again. Not like we used to be.
My family knows how difficult I find it to be. They understand. They have to. They really have no choice. I have been labeled as a ‘special needs’ girl; and that’s a title my whole family has to deal with.
No one else understands why it is so hard for me. To me, it makes perfect sense. I don’t want their sympathy. I’ve never known anything but the life I live; I don’t feel sorry for myself. And in no way do I want them to consider me anything but an equal- ever. Because I am. And no disability will change that. I promise you.
There are two defining daily events in my life. One for each half of me, the first gradually shifting into the other, creating a personality possessed by me alone. One event I will never tire of, The other is something I would love to never again experience. One is why I consider myself undeservedly blessed, the other the appropriate curse.
In the late mornings, when the breezes slow down and the sun seems to fade for a moment, I make my way to the most beacutiful place in the world. My castle, my peaceful alcove. There I can sit and let my imagination run wild, creating word pictures I use to fill in the blank spaces my heart craves. I could sit there on the tiny beach for hours, content to do nothing,
The best days, though, are when I’m not alone. Allie or Kyah will join me some days and we’ll sit and laugh until we cannot any longer. Every once in a while Mama or Keni will join me, and rarely Uncle Paul will stop by. Those are my favorite days. Uncle Paul is my best friend- the big brother I never had. He knows me better then anyone else. He listens- truly listens- to the thoughts I cannot put into words not vocalize.
Uncle Paul is a poet. The word pictures he creates for me are unlike any I could ever write for myself. No one else makes me laugh as hard. No one else has seen me cry the way he has. But truly, Uncle Paul is the one who understands my curse in a way no one else does.
Sometime between midnight and five in the morning, everything logical in me is clouded. Then is the only time my silence is broken- even if it is only internally. Mama is afraid of me then, and the kids stare. I don’t like it either, in fact I hate it worse then they do.
I dream. And it isn’t normal dreams either. Strange things happen- people talk. If that’s what talking is, I never want to know it. The horrible noise, so loud and overbearing and evil. I have tried everything to end these dreams, but nothing has worked. The only way to stop them is to not sleep; and that only works for so many days. Then the nightmares turn in to day mares.
When the dreams get too bad, I’ll think I cannot go on like this. I don’t feel human, let alone normal, the person I want to be. But then Uncle Paul will talk to me, and I’ll go cry for a while. There’s something therapeudic about crying in the sunshine. My silence will return and my world will rebalance.
If I can’t think of any reasons to smile, Uncle Paul will make me some. He’ll tell me funny stories about Grandma or Papa, or stories about himself as a kid. He was adopted from Ethiopia by Grandma and Papa seventeen years ago, when he was six. He has stories from all over the world to distract me. And now, since he’s been living with us, he can laugh about being the only African- American in the whole state of Hawaii.
I’m still afraid, though. No amount of Uncle Paul, sunshine, smiles or time will ever fix the fact that I’m weak. I can try my hardest not to be, but I am and always will be. The truth is hard. If I let it, it will preface everything I’ll ever do, I’ll ever say, and everything I’ll ever be.
The notebook I carry is proof enough. A screaming reminder that I’ll never be good enough. Allie has to come nearly everywhere with me. Maybe I should just wear a sign around my neck so no one stares when I start writing instead of speaking. So maybe they’ll treat me the way I want. A sign that could read ‘Hi. I’m Kailani Love Akana and yeah, I do realize that I’m different. I know I’m deaf.’
Okay so lemme know what you guess think. this is a prologue to a new story/book ish thing. lemme know what you think. :)
Monday, May 23, 2011
A rant because I have writers block and this is all i can write today.
I'm suffering from writers block something fierce and it is HURTING ME! so today i have a rant to post that i could sum up in about 10 words. Just because i'm not like you doesn't mean i'm wrong. There. I have decided that this might just be the thing that offends me most. It hurts too!
some people (myself included) are fairly outspoken. and willing to say what needs to be said. but there's a time and a place for that.... and there's a time and a place to keep your mouth SHUT. like when it comes to outward expressions of a simple opinion. 'Oh i like so-and-so's music.' 'WHAT? YOU LIKE THEM? HOW CAN YOU? THATS SO WRONG THERE'S NOTHING COOL ABOUT THEM I HATE YOU NOW LOL JK.' People claim to be kidding when they say stuff like that but it seriously doesn't matter. you got your point out loud and clear thank you very much, even around the "joking." its really obvious that you're putting yourself above someone else by pointing out how wrong they were to have opinion like the one the do and how incorrect they were. Just because i happen to have an opinion that i do doesn't mean you need to tell me how wrong that is. sometimes it is better to keep your opinion to yourself and let other people have opinions of their own. The best argument doesn't bash the opponents view, rather it points out what it better about their own view. as soon as you resort to bashing other people and their opinions, you lose both credibility and respect, which might just be important some day. or later in said argument. The attribute of love that Jesus Christ displayed towards the most varied groups of people was the fact that he genuinely listened, even to people like the Pharisees that he absolutely disagreed with and were absolutely wrong. He knew that, but still he listened.
End of story.
To Infinity and Beyond.
some people (myself included) are fairly outspoken. and willing to say what needs to be said. but there's a time and a place for that.... and there's a time and a place to keep your mouth SHUT. like when it comes to outward expressions of a simple opinion. 'Oh i like so-and-so's music.' 'WHAT? YOU LIKE THEM? HOW CAN YOU? THATS SO WRONG THERE'S NOTHING COOL ABOUT THEM I HATE YOU NOW LOL JK.' People claim to be kidding when they say stuff like that but it seriously doesn't matter. you got your point out loud and clear thank you very much, even around the "joking." its really obvious that you're putting yourself above someone else by pointing out how wrong they were to have opinion like the one the do and how incorrect they were. Just because i happen to have an opinion that i do doesn't mean you need to tell me how wrong that is. sometimes it is better to keep your opinion to yourself and let other people have opinions of their own. The best argument doesn't bash the opponents view, rather it points out what it better about their own view. as soon as you resort to bashing other people and their opinions, you lose both credibility and respect, which might just be important some day. or later in said argument. The attribute of love that Jesus Christ displayed towards the most varied groups of people was the fact that he genuinely listened, even to people like the Pharisees that he absolutely disagreed with and were absolutely wrong. He knew that, but still he listened.
End of story.
To Infinity and Beyond.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Rainy Day :)
TO INFINITY AND BEYOND.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
LOVE?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLQduUi1tW4This song has really been working on my heart lately. Listen to it if you get a chance.
I'm strong enough
I've always told myself
I never wanna need somebody else
But I've already fallen from that hill
So I'm dropping my guard,
Here's your chance at my heard and
Oh, no
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe
I really have always thought I had it all together. I didn't think i needed anyone to love me, and even though i wouldn't have admitted it I didn't think I needed God to love me. Sure, I loved him and knew i needed him to save me, but i thought i could get along without his love. He wrestled with my heart for months over this. ever since i was self aware, basically. I got my love from my parents, friends, other people.. but not him. and i knew eventually he was going to have to teach me the hard way. and he did.
The only way you understand that you need love is if somehow it gets taken from you. If sometime you can't find it in someone else. I had to be broken of my habit to look for love in other people so i could find his love. He had once chance at my heart, one time when i was broken enough i let him rule me. I had thought my life had fallen apart, and basically it had. because i hadn't built it or planned it the way he wanted to. And that's how he finally found me. i was a mess. it was awful. but now i know. His love has to sustain me. It has to be my reason to breathe. because everyone else is never going to give the love i need. he's waiting for all of us to be un distracted, completely and utterly focused on him. not him, and your boyfriend, or your best friend, or your family, or your favorite sport, or a movie star... just you. and only you. And sometimes he's going to have to break you to build you up his way.
Pray. :)
To Infinity and Beyond.
I'm strong enough
I've always told myself
I never wanna need somebody else
But I've already fallen from that hill
So I'm dropping my guard,
Here's your chance at my heard and
Oh, no
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe
I really have always thought I had it all together. I didn't think i needed anyone to love me, and even though i wouldn't have admitted it I didn't think I needed God to love me. Sure, I loved him and knew i needed him to save me, but i thought i could get along without his love. He wrestled with my heart for months over this. ever since i was self aware, basically. I got my love from my parents, friends, other people.. but not him. and i knew eventually he was going to have to teach me the hard way. and he did.
The only way you understand that you need love is if somehow it gets taken from you. If sometime you can't find it in someone else. I had to be broken of my habit to look for love in other people so i could find his love. He had once chance at my heart, one time when i was broken enough i let him rule me. I had thought my life had fallen apart, and basically it had. because i hadn't built it or planned it the way he wanted to. And that's how he finally found me. i was a mess. it was awful. but now i know. His love has to sustain me. It has to be my reason to breathe. because everyone else is never going to give the love i need. he's waiting for all of us to be un distracted, completely and utterly focused on him. not him, and your boyfriend, or your best friend, or your family, or your favorite sport, or a movie star... just you. and only you. And sometimes he's going to have to break you to build you up his way.
Pray. :)
To Infinity and Beyond.
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